FEELING THE FEELINGS AND...?

I feel it is time that I openly share what I had shared in the past in the intimacy of my home or the phone with very few and selected friends.

We are all so damned proper or, at least that's we are expected to be. Then, some of us do follow the "rules of engagement" of a civil society, some pretend to follow the rules, then there is great the majority (in my opinion) that go through life like "barbarians in a jungle". (Possibly giving barbarian a bad name, and certainly "wrong" location (?)).

Since I have publicly/officially become "an artist" three years ago, my exposure to contemporary society, and an on-slot of "peers" has taken me to an even more convoluted region of societal behavior that I have either witnessed or experienced before. And, I have witnessed and experienced a lot before!

I don't know how I can make this post short or even interesting, all I know is that this is all about expressing, owing, showing, allowing feelings. A very complex and never ending naturally emotionally charged subject. No apologies. I will not do that any more.

I am truly sick and tired of apologizing for my "sensitivity". It is who I am. It is such a huge part of my persona/identity that I would literally not exist if I would not be gifted with the acute sensitivities that I posses. Did not go looking for them...

I was born with them, because this goes back as far as I have memory of having a very strong and definite sense on integrity, fairness and justice; which did not make my live easy in boarding school. Actually it made it living hell as I could not/would not allow "the system" to manipulate and subjugate us... Huge, for a 7-8 year old child isn't it?

This (overwhelming and isolating) sense grew with me, first without an accompanying language, just pure gut feeling/natural impulse/defense mechanism. As it became expression it was held back/down; as it became language it was hushed/silenced/quashed.

It was not proper to speak up or react to events affecting me.

I was always given a placating placebo... you are smarter than them, you are older than them, you are more understanding/sophisticated/educated than them... there was always a reason why "I should rise above" the situation at hand at the expense of my feelings, regardless of the improprieties of the perpetrators.

How many of grew up under the same false, neglecting and misleading pretenses?

This is part of the background mess we live in these days. We live in a society, so called civil, where half are barbarians and the rest are victimized by barbarians - how else can we find ourselves in the mess we are currently in?

How did we get here?

(This theme will have several parts/installments - as i feel emotionally drained while writing about it.)