=

~ DEFINING MYSELF ~

=

=

I realized about four years ago that the “distinct identity” I thought I had, had actually very little to do with me and a lot to do with my life circumstances, my family, those close to me and, all the other outside collective expectations and perceptions I was subconsciously working hard to satisfy.

As life would have it (for the first time) I found myself truly alone, when it dawned on me as I was getting dressed one morning, that I didn’t know if what I was about to wear was something I really liked or, the product of years of conditioning. I was stunned because as I looked in the mirror, I really could not tell for certain.

I began questioning a number of things in the days and months to come (as a matter of fact I still do), from the length, colour and style of my skirts, to my taste in foods, my true political ideology, who taught me what, etc., etc., etc..

It became quiet clear that I “picked up” habits from others just by being around them. I further realized how bad or erroneous those habits were for me!

I continued to further observe not only my behaviour and thinking patterns, but also my feeling patterns and came to see that they were the same-in-principle as those of my birth family. I would get indications/memories to corroborate “trans-generational” patterns…No one bothered to either question or change. I did.

The most dramatic assertions/changes have been in the spiritual, moral, political and philosophical areas of my life. In addition, I soon found myself doing such mundane things as peeling five pounds of shrimp (another first of many), after a “recognizance” trip to Steveston.

Finally tried the much heralded sushi, which now has also been added to my ever expanding menu of international cuisine.

And thus, “my identity” keeps on shifting, expanding and being enriched by the many diverse elements I newly embrace as my own…

Slowly, I also noticed that the invisible sandwich board I was carrying around with me everywhere advertizing: here comes Bi-polar II, seemed to have become a stone in my pocket.

I can manage the stone.

During these past few years I re-invented myself, as the saying goes. My old or former identity (a sharp memory of yesterday) no longer exists. However the true essence of whom I have been has come forth to meet up with my spirit today to project itself (or herself?) in a new light.

This identity is as mine as it can be. It is as strong as it can be, despite the general “outside” noise/over-stimulation, the bombardment of advertizing, familial/social expectations and possible peer pressures.

To quote Montel Williams on a recent Larry King show: “I want to be the one who defines myself…” (in the context of taking control of his life). I’m glad I have decided to do the same with mine!

© 2004

The above has been published in a regional mental health newsletter in 2004... it seems like a lifetime away.

Today, I manage my life in a different manner, despite the continuous ups and down that life offers, I write, paint, design jewellery, check on whose by my side or not, forever "editing" that which no longer works - as soon as I figure it out - and I absolutely know that I am a truly nice individual albeit, a passionate eccentric one and love every minute of it!

=